A Confession
April 20, 2009|Comments (46)
Adoption must get easier than this. If adoption was like this for everyone — people wouldn’t do it any more. In fact, they would shuffle away from the mere mention of adoption as if they’d been beaten by an angry bookie with a drainage pipe.
Not that I have any clue what an angry bookie even looks like having never even played a slot machine. But I recently (yesterday) experienced a different kind of torturous brutal beating… the kind that comes with the following words: “Mommy! Mommy! My real mom gave me a bunch of stuff at our visit and I love her and I want to go back to my real home with my real mom and my real dad.”
The wind blew from chest, my knees went weak, and my heart dropped to my feet.
I’ve tried to keep from writing about this. I paced in front of my computer needing to write about it, needing to share it with you, but unable to find the right words. The simple truth is that we are coming to the end of our accidental foster parenting (we were supposed to only be notified when our case worker had located legally free children) and we probably — on some level — have to witness the kids transitioning. If they were begging to stay here right up until the moment they were returned to their birth parents or sent to long-term foster care, it would be much worse. It would be more painful, I’m told. Forgive me for my disbelief. More pain? Who could take more?
Less than twenty-four hours ago, Josh completed the best swing set I’ve ever seen between two trees in the backyard. The kids came out and dutifully sat on the swings, pumped a few times, and then walked away. Not a thank you. Not a gleeful, happy smile. Not even a nod of approval. They have withdrawn. The transformation is complete. And yet they still call us mom and dad — for how much longer, I wonder?
Bring on the angry bookie.
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Oh Lacy. I’m so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and Josh…and for those children. I am praying for you.
Lacy, what a heartbreak… I will pray that you and Josh are given children young enough to not remember much and that you become the parents of their hearts….
Lacy, It has been awhile since I’ve seen you on the Internet. I’m so sorry to read this. I will be praying for your children and for you and Josh. God bless you all. Love, Wardeh
We’ll be praying!
I have only recently stumbled across your site… The other night I read through some of the painful and wonderful transitions the adoption journey has provided for you and your family… This bit of info was heartbreaking to read, I can only imagine the anguish you and your husband must be feeling.
Rest assured that you and yours are in the thoughts and prayers of many…
Lacy, I cant imagine what you and Josh are all going through. My heart goes out to you two completely. What an emotional roller coaster you have been on.
Will continue to pray for you all!
It’s not fair. It’s not fair for you and it is certainly not fair for them. But it is just the same.
I don’t know what this will mean for you and for those children as life unfolds, but I have to trust that it will mean something. And something with that much pain attached to it must be something significant.
Hang on to your faith, hang on to your husband, and hang on to the knowledge that as much as it may feel like it, you are not going through this alone. We are all out here praying for you and loving you and waiting with great anticipation to see what the Lord has planned for you.
I’m so sorry! And as hard as it is for you and Josh, I know those have got to be some really conflicted children.
Oh, Lacy and Josh. Not that it is any comfort at all right now but ALL parents – biological, adoptive, foster … or like me a “daytime” (daycare) parent – deal with ungratefulness. Especially it seems, when we’re trying our darndest to lead our children towards a simpler life that doesn’t include the latest video games.
I am so sorry that you are having a difficult time and I know this is not what you signed up for. But for some reason God signed you up for it. Perhaps the reason will reveal itself soon.
Much Love,
Jennifer
I am SO SO sorry to hear you will be losing your kids…..heartbreaking for sure.
You and Josh will definitely be in our prayers Lacy.
Oh Lacy, Please accept my hugs from across the miles and while I know it does nothing in reality, my heart aches with you two.
Oh no. I am so sorry Lacy. There aren’t even words for it. I don’t know the pain that you are going through, but I know it hurts. Don’t give up. These children needed you, even if it was for a short time. We must trust in God’s plan. He only leads us to better things, and I believe my girl that He has big plans for you. ((HUGS))
I am so sorry Lacy. I know this has to be painful, but as hard as it is for you, you need to keep the faith and be strong for the kids. They will never forget all you have done for them and this will all work out someday as it is supposed to. Let them transition and allow yourself to as well. The best is yet to come.
Oh, I’m ever so sorry to hear that! I am so sad for you… Really heartbreaking!
My thoughts are with you.
Hugs,
Rosa
My god. I am so sorry, Lacy. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through.
It is totally not fair at all!!! I feel so bad for you and Josh. You two are such loving parents. Why do bad things always happen to good people? I just cannot understand that part of life.
I’m thinking of you, Lacy.
Love,
YD
I’m so sorry Lacy. My prayers are with you.
What a rotten deal. Things have to turn around for you. Hugs, Kim
I’m sorry i can’t even imagine your feelings. All i can really say is thank god you two were their foster parents, they got the best foster parents, and they don’t even know it…which is a good thing.
Sometimes we are tested…. I know you and Josh passed and better things are on the way. It is hard to be patient. But hang in there….
Oh, Lacy…my heart breaks for you and Josh. I don’t have any answers…just questions as you do. But I do know this: those children have learned about unconditional love in your home. I pray that soon there are babies in your arms who will be in your life forever…
Love,
Dianne
I am so very, very sorry. *hugs*
Um, well, you do know that not that many do complete adoption, especially through foster care, especially of older children, and even more especially of a sibling group.
For probably many of the same reasons you are facing.
The process sucks.
(Adoptive mother, cousin, and sister in law and recently licensed foster parent. I have no idea why we are doing this knowing everything I know. Probably only because my DH, who spent 30+ years with his parents doing foster care, is certain we won’t actually adopt any of our foster kids. I’m not so certain of that, but at least we both do know just how difficult it all is from the years we’ve had friends and family doing it.)
This may sound trite – But, God loves you. He has great plans for you – never doubt that. A part of that walk with Him will be tough. We have had 32 foster children through our early years. We have had our car stolen, mama has been slapped by them, we gave it our all. Two have since committed suicide, one was killed in a car accident – then a couple of years ago – Rick, our first foster child found us and called. He is now in his 50′s! He has given his heart to Christ and thanked us for those parental years during high school. He was the one who slapped mama – we were able to see him a few years ago and no anger just tears and hugs. Always aas you walk through life keep your hand in His !!!
Lacy I’m so sorry for the pain you have now and will have – what a horrid situation. No great comfort words here – sometimes life just stinks BUT we know He is sovereign and you and Josh will have your forever family .
I just can’t imagine how hard and how aweful this must be for you two. I have to confess though that this is exactly the kind of reason that puts us off considering fostering or long term fostering (permanent adoption isn’t available in our state for this kind of situation). I don’t think I could bear it.
Ah geeze Lacy, this stinks. I’m sorry you and Josh have to go through this. I was hoping for a better outcome. My heart is with you two. Take care and know you are loved.
Father God, hold my friend in Your strong arms and let her feel Your everpresent love wrap around her and comfort her.
I love you two!!
Dear Lacy and Joshua,
2Co 4:8-12, 6:3-10, Eph.1:9-14, Eph.6:10-18. Our hearts are with you. Yes the pain of a childs arrow does sting so. How sad that they have no idea of what is to come. The past will be caught up and because of you they will remember as will you. We always have to try to remember that they (all children) are on loan to us until He chooses to bring them home to Him or another. We were just blessed to have the opportunity. When they leave their troubles start and yours for a while will be heartbroken but soon healed by Him.
We love you Joshua and Lacy. Know that you are not alone and are truly loved not handed down again and again. Many are praying for you and also praying for them.
Love Always
A.J. & Marlene
oxoxoxox
Dear Lacy & Josh,
My heart breaks for you, I can’t imagine the struggles of the heart that you’re suffering. You’ve given your heart filled with love and attention and it may make the difference in the children’s future decisions in life. I admire you for all you’ve given. You both are truly angels in human’s form.
Personally, I think you should share your thoughts, victories, fears, defeats, love, tears and smiles because it may be a comfort to other couples who are going through what you are to know they’re not alone in their heartbreaks.
My prayers and thoughts are with you!
Bless you both!
((hugs)) (I hope you remember me
My heart aches for you my friend. I have no words of wisdom. I just have faith in you and your husband. You will rise above, and be happy again. xoxo
I just came across your site from another blog . I am so so sorry! Children can be the biggest joy and the greatest sorrow. You and your husband are in my prayers.
I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I will keep you all in my prayers. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter who the children are, they often don’t take pleasure in the things we do and think they should and they are basically self centred and not as thankful as we hope they will be, even when taught from birth. The sacrifices you have made seem so unrewarding now but we don’t know why God lets us go through such things and what reward he has in store for you or the impact you have had on the kids. I hope things improve around your place.
Praying for you and your family Lacy
((((((((((((((((((( GIRL ))))))))))))))))))))))))
I remember this time, and it’s not easy. LOVE you, my friend. Jack and I are still praying for you and Josh and all the desires of your hearts. I don’t have any words that are adequate to help, though…just sending warm hugs across the miles
Robbyn
I only just saw this in my newsfeed today! I am so sorry things aren’t going smoothly! The kids are being put in such a difficult situation emotionally, and totally not because of you guys. But try not to take their reactions to things personally because they are probably just seeping out the ingratitude that has probably been shown them in their young lives. Still, I wish things were going better! : ( : ( : (
I hope for something good to happen for you!
Praying for you. If you have itunes, download, “Never for Nothing” by Margaret Becker. One of the lines is, “It’s never for nothing when you love with no return…”
ok… coming from someone who fostered and was fostered, there is nothing you can do except be there for them, and know how hard it is on them and you.
I know this is the last thing on your mind now so please don’t take this wrong way but I wanted to share with you this wonderful facilitator we are using. We are still going through with our adoption too (we have just placed it on hold until January). I have been so impressed with them and I think you would be too. Someday pull this up again and take a look. Not now but someday when you are ready. You are in our prayers. http://www.lifetimeadoption.com/
You are doing your best……. We’re here for you.
Just want you to know mama and papa are praying.
Still praying – Love you!
WE LOVE YOU –
Mama & Papa
Oh Lacy, honey, I am so, so sorry to read this post…. You and Josh must be beyond devastated…
My heart is breaking for you and with you, my friend…. 
I wanted to come by to comment about the comment you left me on my recycle bins, but what you’re going through…. Well, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Josh… ***hugs***
Dear Lacy and Josh,
Grief is a hard thing to explain and even harder when we grieve for dreams and for things that we can touch but cannot change. It’s not always associated with physical death.
I’m a parent of an adopted child (who has organic brain damage related to her birth). I’ve discovered there are many challenges and rewards related to parenting our special kids.
But, I’ve also discovered that parenting doesn’t mean that my child is always in my home, but she is always in my heart, thoughts and prayers. I believe we are loved by God whether we acknowledge or recognize God’s love for us or God’s presence. Our love for our children is very much the same, we love them no matter whether they want our love or are in our presence.
Surprisingly to me, I’ve discovered presence in body does not make me a parent to her. It’s in staying the course through the hard things and often doing the things I don’t want to, but have to.
I’m really not trying to give you platitudes or advice in any manner. In fact, I hope to encourage you. Regardless if the children are in your home or another home, they will always be your children in your heart.
Many blessings,
Lucy