Multi-generational headaches, heartaches and everything in between
March 27, 2010|Comments (8)
Post & Photos by Andrew Odom
We have all heard the recent reports. About 6.6 million U.S. households in 2009 had at least three generations of family members, an increase of 30 percent since 2000, according to census figures. When “multigenerational” is more broadly defined to include at least two adult generations, a record 49 million, or one in six people, live in such households, according to a study recently released Thursday by the Pew Research Center
Pan and I moved “back home” in December 2008 for a number of reasons. I had had it with living in the big apple and longed for a simpler life. I had also recently closed a business enterprise after mounting debt and an uncertain future got the better of my team. Pan and I were preparing to get married and knew we wanted to be further south in the area we both grew up in.
Our options were few as I had no job, she only had seasonal employment, we had no worldly possessions to speak of and the economy wasn’t allowing for really any loans to help us get back on our feet. Thankfully my folks were only two years into their new home – a 3200 square foot, custom built home in rural, middle Georgia. They welcomed us with open arms and before long we had assimilated into our own semi-private part of the house.
I found a job. Pan found a little rest from the uncertainty of our previous lives. My folks enjoyed having us around. Pan took up shop in the kitchen creating amazing meals for the whole family. I made myself available to help my dad around the yard and farm area. Things were working out well for all involved.
By mid-winter though the reality started setting in. Pan and I had moved back home and began to feel like we were mooching at times. We just didn’t have a lot and most of our income went to paying down debt. We often expressed our sense of disappointment and fear to each other. She wanted to be closer to the water. Having grown up minutes from the Atlantic she felt landlocked and shell-shocked. I was working almost 60 hours a week and felt sorry for myself and like I was unable to provide for my wife. The heartache had begun to set in. “Lord,” we would pray, “show us our path. Give us some guidance. It isn’t easy and we just don’t know where we fit in.” At time the notion of being under someone else’s roof would overwhelm us and we would bicker with each other. But other problems were starting to surface.
Two couples. One house. While we had our privacy it seemed we were never alone and for newlyweds…well, that can be tough. My folks are so respecting of our privacy and our schedules but being their kid there are time when I don’t want to help my Dad. There are time when my mother does nag me. I am sure there are times when we don’t want to share our business with my folks and we don’t care what they think about a situation. But that is par for the course and right now we are putting on someone else’s green.
I am not complaining. I am not even regretful for our current position. In fact, 95% of the time I am happy living together as we do and I look forward to adding a 3rd generation to the mix. But it is not easy. I guess no one ever said it is. There are headaches. There are heartaches. There are times when we are put in the middle or we unfairly ask them to sit in the middle of our junk. But when I look around at others I think how unique this season in life is; this place God has put us. Each morning I get to share a cup of coffee with my folks, chatting about the day to come and each night I get to lay beside my wife with the promise of a new tomorrow.
So what do you think about multi-generational living? Could you do it? Do you do it? Would you like to try it? Let me hear from you!
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Andrew, this post is one that many families can relate to and I love that you wrote about it! Thanks to job shortages, debt, and the economy… it’s really hard for young people to get out all on their own. I have many friends who have moved back home because they just can’t afford rent/mortgage + car insurance + health insurance + taxes + utilities and all the other costs just yet. Moving back home buys them time to save their pennies and prepare for the future.
I am currently living the “multi-generational” life! I grew up in those circumstances too, for that matter. The house I live in was built in 1903 by my grandparents. When I was born, my Dad was in a hospital, dying of cancer so my Mom was then living here, with her parents and I was born in this house, grew up here, then moved away for about 8 years but when I married, my ex-husband and I moved back to this region and my Mom had ownership of this house but she had actually turned it over into my name. (Being her only child, you see.) My ex and I had built a home next door to this one but when we divorced, that house went down the tubes. My Mom died at the same time and my children and I moved in here. Back in 2002, I hit some really rough financial patches and my daughter and her then fiance moved in here with me to help with the economic factors. They married in 2002 and in 2003, I was diagnosed with cancer and they stayed on with me. Now, it is me, my daughter and her husband, his oldest child from a non-married relationship plus their two small children. They cover the living expenses for the roof over all our heads. I supply some assistance financially where I can from my social security now and do 95% of the cooking plus provide childcare to the two small grandkids. The house is still in my name but with the provision that it will, when I die, go to this daughter and her children. My other two children have their own places plus neither of them was interested in living in the old homestead but the daughter here, like me, loves this old house. No it isn’t always a rosy situation for them -or for me -but it’s what works for us cause they wouldn’t be able to afford to rent any place around here and I wouldn’t be able to afford keeping the house on my own, so in that respect, we think of it as a “win-win” thing then.
@Simple Livin’ Gal – I truly enjoyed writing about it. In fact, it started out as being just a quiet way to vent but I have heard from more and more people who are either in the same position or would like to be. And yes, I have heard from some folks who don’t envy me and wouldn’t want to be in such a position. But you are so right. Because of the debt I wrote about as well as a declining job market our monthly budget was being eaten away by just our mere existence. I was stuck and totally working just to get up and have the honor of doing it again for another day. It was becoming a vicious cycle. We see it right now as a way to prepare for a very bright future. In the meantime though we are enjoying each day and the opportunity to, in fact, build our family relationships and learn from our parents in a new way – not so much father/son but man/man.
@Jeni – I agree with the win/win scenario. I look at sometimes as what the perks are versus the alternative and when I think of my parents house without us helping with groceries and labor and cooking, etc, I think, “How would they make it? They aren’t rich. They just were able to build a house in a very opportunistic market.” And then I think, “Without them paying a mortgage and having some land and being free advice and experiential wisdom, what would we do?” Yes, I agree, it is a win/win 95% of the time. The other 5%? Well, the wife and I go camping for the weekend. hahahahahah
Thank you, Jenni and Andrew, for being so open and straight-forward about the pros/cons of living in a multigenerational household. I keep rereading your post and comments. Love them.
HI there,
It almost feels like we are going back to the master plan. If we can’t go back to the family then where do we go. The family in past helped us to grow and be the best we could be for the family and society. If we can’t make it in the family then it will be a struggle to make it else where but most importantly how can we as a people get along with others and people of different nationalities if we don’t make it where it first began? Maybe going back now is the right time for most or all as we are getting a second chance to do it right the second time around if you are so blessed….love always
In Hawaii, multigenerational is still a way of life (within the Asian cultures). I love the idea of the grandparents watching the kids. No day care and no bored elderly. Both parents can work and save money and know that they won’t vome home to an empty house and the kids are happy. Of course, that’s the ideal and I love that ideal. But it seems to work best when the parents move in with the kids. LOL! It would be hard to move back in with the parents. For me, anyway….
Living one family per house is a pretty modern, pretty american way to go – maybe 2-3 generations old in most countries. During that time we abolished child labor and the economy changed to be one in which most people need many years of school to get a job – so big families aren’t the solution they were in an older, farming or craftwork era. In the US we were blessed with a lot of land and the ability of most families to find a small enough, remote enough place to get a start on their own. Those days are gone, and we need to find a way to return to the wisdom of living in larger groups, helping each other out.