A Life with Purpose
August 4, 2008|Comments (17)
Over the weekend, as Josh and I walked up to the top of the driveway with the dogs trotting along beside us, I thought about how just two weeks before I’d been on a completely different coast. Far away from my home, my simple life, and my heart-song. The setting sun sent its last golden rays down through the trees in the front lot of our home, catching the dust kicked up by the dogs and I held Josh’s hand while we watched in a comfortable silence. The slow and soft southern evening crept in around us with the scent of jasmine and gardenia, the sighs of the live oaks and pines, and the trumpeting chorus of tree frogs and katydids. A high breeze lifted the tallest branches of the trees and thunder rumbled in the distance though we knew it would not rain. I watched the silver-bellied leaves of the live oaks spin and imagined that I could hear the laughter of our children, picturing them racing after the Goldens over the thick padding of pine straw; lost in play. I could practically see them climbing on the fort that Connie gave us from her own yard.
The children. When I think about them, I can’t help but recall one of the questions that the interviewer asked: “Are church members, friends, and family behind you on the adoption?” We answered, without hesitation, “Yes.” On Sunday, I asked one of the ladies from our (now) old church to place us on the prayer list and included the names of the four children who have been on our hearts. As I gave her the names and excitedly told her that we were hoping to meet them before September, she said: “You have got to be kidding! That’s completely ridiculous! You’re kidding right? Four kids!” Of course, she meant it as a joke and even laughed but it was then that I realized that she and many others were behind us alright — as you would be behind someone if you’d worn a silk suit to the Shamu show at Sea World.
The truth is that I need to get ready for the judgments, funny looks, and the doubts. People are bound to think that we have bitten off more than we can chew. I can handle that. I can handle the negativity because I have a supportive group of friends but I worry about the children. Will these well-meaning folks see our children as “Josh’s and Lacy’s big mistake” or “those bad foster kids” and then accidentally make comments that reveal their true feelings where the children can hear? And as I enjoyed my evening stroll with Josh, the answer came to me: they are afraid for us because they do not understand our life. Simple living is anything but easy — the hours are long and the workload is stacked. The emotional payout is what is so huge and lasting. Our marriage is strong, our home is full of love and togetherness, and we are so ready to share this life with children. We have faith that it will work out and realize that it’s not going to be a smooth transition but nothing is effortless in this life.
Hard work is painful when life is devoid of purpose. But when you live for something greater than yourself and the gratification of your own ego, then hard work becomes a labor of love.~ Steve Pavlina
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I have this on the wall across from my desk and I think it may fit you right now.
“Success is being able to do WHATEVER God has called you to do”
It doesn’t matter what other people my think. They have not been called to do THIS job by God. You have, and thats all that matters.
When I first heard of your plans, there was not a single, solitary SECOND where I felt a shred of doubt. Granted, I only know you through the blogosphere. But I think/feel I know enough to know that if anyone knows her heart, it’s you (and Josh). When I heard your plans, my thought - in my heart and head and gut - was “Yep, sounds about exactly right to me”. Exactly right.
You know what? Your friends and family know, understand, love and support you. So someone outside of that doesn’t? You can’t control that (a lot of people don’t get me and the way I live my life, but not those that know and love me - well, at least they accept me :-)). I just continue to do what I know I’m to do. And anyway, what about those first time parents that have sextuplets, or more?? You take what God gives you and put your heart into it. You have the right attitude.
Paulette
The Lord will not give you more than you can handle. He trusts you. You will be a great mom. And as far as dealing with other people and their judgements, that will always be a problem no matter what. And you will cross that bridge when you get there. I have no doubt that you will raise strong children that will know how to handle those type of people.
I just erased a long, drawn out, poorly worded comment. I think I said most of it on the phone anyway. Long story short — yes, I am nervous for you, but yes I am behind you, and not in the silk suit at a Shamu show sense you silly thing! Your children will become my adopted nieces and nephews, my brood’s adopted cousins — and never anything less than four special, valued, individuals. But I’m still biting my fingernails on your behalf. (I’m also askeered for anyone with parenthood looming on the horizon. Or a wedding. Or a PCS. Or a new job. Or…)
Lacy, I think one of the hardest parts about being a parent is just what you are talking about. When you love someone so very much, with all your heart and soul, you would give ANYTHING not to see them hurting or embarassed. Yet, you can’t shelter them from the rest of the ignorant and sometimes selfish world they were born into.
I think you and Josh are the type of people who love with all you are and no other way. I think when your children “come home” (that is what it will be for their sweet and lost souls), you will love them already and selflessy, without doubt. My beautiful lady, THIS is what matters. Yes, your heart will cry and sometimes your eyes too, when a thoughtless person says something in earshot or actually to your unsuspecting child but you will have your faith in yourself and your decisions to carry you past and above this.
Hold your head high and kill them with kindness. Show them that each of us has our own plan in life that is our’s to follow. There will be tough days and there will be wonderous, shining, beautiful days. Isn’t that what this life is about?
It is terribly hard to turn a deaf ear to cruel or snide remarks. The best you can do is to know who you can turn to for support and venting. You and Josh have so much to offer and have so much love to give. What you do with it is your choice and yours alone. Don’t forget this as your children surround you and you kiss their cheeks goodnight. Don’t forget that asking for help or advice is the mainstay of EVERY parent. You are not alone…
I don’t know you very well. I have never met you face to face. I only know what I read on your blog and what you comment on mine. Strangely, I have no doubt that you can do what you and Josh are planning.
Even under the best circumstances, raising children is the hardest thing you will ever do. While your way of getting your children may be unconventional, it is not unprecedented. Others have walked the road before you and will walk it again after you. I have one friend who adopted 3 little girls from Columbia who didn’t even speak English. They are now happily assimilated into not only their family but also the American culture. Miracles happen every day and how wonderful that you will be on the front lines of one.
My son went to preschool with a set of quadruplets. Their mother was very calm. I was a nervous wreck just watching them all walk in. She said when she was pregnant her grandmother told her that one child takes up all your time. Four can’t take up any more than that. After she realized that, she just relaxed and enjoyed it.
I have been very blessed. I have one adopted child and one biological child. I could tell you some of the events in our life, but we are already on the road to the longest comment in history. Just know that more people will love you than question you and, with God’s help, you will all be just fine.
I think it’s best to come up with a plan for how you will respond when people make those kinds of comments, so that you’re not trying to come up with something on the spot. Most parents are put in this situation for one reason or another. I can remember my parents having to respond to people saying that their kids didn’t all look the same (we are half Indian/half White) with us standing there listening. I sometimes have to deal with someone asking, “Don’t you want a boy?” when my girls are standing right there. Smile confidently, deliver the statement you prepared already, and later reassure your children that all people have different experience and might not understand your exact situation.
On the question of four being too many, follow your heart. There are soooo many sibling groups out there and it breaks my heart to think of them being split up. I am VERY thankful that you and your husband are willing to offer your “world” to a sibling group and I can’t wait to hear more as your journey continues!
Lacy - I only know you through the bloggy world - your writing and photos show a busy, productive loving family yearning for their heart’s desire. Those kiddos have already been through a lot - a few dumb remarks won’t scar them - but most people just say things thoughtlessly not intentionally harmful. At church it might be a useful idea to share your heart before your kids come. Don’t worry about tomorrow - God is faithful and each day will provide with the strength for that day - not the next day or week or year - just one day at a time. Bless you and your new family - so excited for you I can hardly wait!
Doesn’t matter if you blend a family, or adopt, or give birth. Any more than one or two is going to elicit comments.
I refer to our group as “The Clampett’s” and warn people that we’ll be invading. And that’s now that we’re down to just three (out of 5) kids left in the house!
People tend to not say too much to us when we’re all together. I guess there is safety in numbers. ROFL!
No doubt there will be tough times. But then again, tough times happen when there are no kids, too.
I’m one of those behind you all the way! =D
I didn’t realize you were adopting four children! How exciting. I have a friend who had three children of her own and then adopted three siblings. If you’re going to jump in might as well, do it all at once. Then you can do it a few more times afterwards. Six kids sounds good to me. LOL
You go girl!!
Julie at Elisharose said “….one child takes up all your time. Four can’t take up any more than that.”
I like that…. also one of my philosophies has always been that God will never ask more of you than what you are able to do.
Just waiting excitedly here for you!
Also…. other people don’t matter in the big picture. Children learn from there parents. And you and Josh are a couple of fantastic parents! Yep… I am behind ya! (Watch out for the silk!)
There will always be remarks. Come up with a witty comeback. And have it ready at all times.
Follow your hearts and know you are doing your life’s work.
We are parents of 2 adopted boys and support you 100%…our boys are almost grown now and although there have been lots of ups and downs, they are a real blessing….each unique and remarkable…..we would have adopted more but circumstances didn’t allow….
you are in for an adventure! God bless you both.
as the mother of 5 kids between the ages of almost 12 and 3, let me tell you, you will get looks. you will hear comments. when i was pregnant with our 4th child, my oldest (he was 7 at the time) asked me why his friend’s father had said “her husband needs to leave that poor girl alone.” totally inappropriate. especially considering the fact he himself has 4 kids. when we announced our plans to adopt when our youngest is a couple of years older, one friend made the comment “don’t you guys have enough kids?”. he and his wife were only able to have one child. they haven’t opened their hearts to adoption. he wanted so badly to have more kids.
i guess what i’m trying to say is don’t let what other people say change your feelings. you will do great. you obviously have a lot of love, why not share it with 4 (or more) kids! good luck with your growing family!
Lacy, I agree with what a few people have said about God. Let go let God be your motto every day and you will be amazed at how things can turn out. When He speaks through you, Joshua and the children everyone will be politely put in place. Each day will be an adventure that will take you through hills, valleys, mountains and then the flats. You and Joshua have travelled those roads at various times in your lives so when the children come rejoice and share those experiences. Everything feels so much better when you have someone there with you who KNOWS how you feel. Love them with all of your heart because they are older then they can fly the coop sooner. They will leave and try their wings, faulter, scrap their knees so to speak. They may do this but they will come back. You will always be MOM and DAD to them because GOD does not make mistakes. You and Joshua have been entrusted with a GIFT that only He can give. Each gift has been chosen very carefully just for you. May God Bless you Both. lol Love Always
I’m so glad you put the adoption posts together! I have to tell you this…you were meant to have a large family if that’s what God has put in your hearts. Do not EVER doubt that you are the perfect parents for the ones He chooses. And guess what? The transition will be a lot easier in a lot of ways than you think…a different sort of responsibility, but I’ve been in a similar situation and you’ll thrive on finding just the solution creatively to any challenges that arise. Anyone who questions that is not aware that this happens whether you have one child or twelve. Jack and I would like a bunch of children as well…yes, even at age 42 and 57. What’s the likelihood? Dunno, but it’s in our plan. Whether God will bless that or redirect it in another positive way is something we’ll have to see. But I SO pray that your kids get to come home to you soon! Know what I did with the strange stares and awkward questions people ask? Smile with all the happiness I am feeling, and educate them! Our society is SO insular and different in so many ways, and yes, your lifestyle is already on a whole different track…a very whole and vibrant one. We love you guys and can’t wait to see where this path leads you. Can’t wait to see posts about how to handle all those dirty socks
Love you, Lacy!
Robbyn